No, the world is not ending, at least to my knowledge. Although, lately I have been feeling that my own personal world is ending. The new man in my life that I recently mentioned in my HGTV Series post broke up with me recently. We had a bit of a crazy love story – I swear it should be a movie (only the movie should have a happier ending). We caught eyes from across the classroom at Bentley University in the ever-so-romantic statistics class. We started emailing back and forth (yes, the most unemotional and least romantic form of communication possible) and something immediately clicked. We went on our first date and it felt like we had known each other for forever. From that moment on we were inseparable. Think of the instant connection and passion that you see in Nicholas Sparks movies that you always think ‘that doesn’t exist in real life’ and that was us. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. After dating for only a week I found myself wanting to say I love you and I had to consciously remind myself ‘it’s only been a week Kelly, don’t sound crazy, keep your mouth shut’.
This crazy passion that I thought only existed in romance novels and movies was finally part of my life. For the first time I could actually picture my future, picture him at the end of the aisle, picture him playing catch with our kids and teaching them how to play guitar. But then something happened. I moved into that little doll house and it consumed our life together. Every time we saw each other we talked about the house, worked on the house, went shopping for the house. If we weren’t doing that we were stressing out about finals and graduation. We forgot to set time aside for us, for our relationship, for a fun activity together. That passion began slipping away as all the other stresses of our lives overtook us. He decided it was best to move on rather than to dig the passion back out of the rubble that we buried it with.
In an attempt to think about things and clear my head I took the dogs to World’s End Reservation in Hingham, MA. It is one of my favorite places with miles of hiking trails, benches, fields, city views, ocean views, and everything in between. As I was walking around I suddenly realized that I am alone. I am alone in life, I don’t have a partner to share my successes with, to cook dinner for, to travel with, to laugh with, or to kiss goodnight. I didn’t cry. I didn’t stop. I just kept walking. That’s when realized I was an independent single woman before he came along, and that’s exactly what I’m going to be now. My life isn’t going to stop just because he isn’t part of it anymore.
Since that epiphany I’ve been more motivated than ever. I got back into an exercising routine, I’m being more social and going out more, I’m joining new groups and meeting new people, applying for more and more new jobs everyday, and chasing after my dreams. I went on a date, and although I’m not quite ready to fully move on yet, it felt good to get dolled up and talk to someone new and to at least see if those butterflies could ever exist without him. I’m on a mission to make myself happy rather than to rely on someone else for happiness. When I was with him I had never been happier in my life. Ever. And that’s a problem because I should be able to always be that happy, whether I have a man in my life or not.
So now I’m on a journey to discover what will make me happy, to discover how outgoing I really can be, and to discover who I am now that I don’t have school to say “I’m a student” or a boyfriend to say “I’m a girlfriend”. They say everything happens for a reason, and I’m realizing that this may truly be a blessing in disguise so that I can become a stronger person for myself. Because I need to learn how to live my life for me and not for anyone else.
Stay freckled, ladies. Whether your heart is whole or broken.
“Just keep swimming” ~ Dory